Jan 11, 20234 min read

Dropping Out to Jump In

Dramatic subtitle: "The End of a Beginning"

“Artists are people driven by the tension between the desire to communicate and the desire to hide.”

― Donald Woods Winnicott

The tale of a person going to college, dropping out, and traveling the world with a sunny smile and silk scarf for fashion’s sake.

I suppose I am using this blog as a journal of sorts, as I do not keep a journal. I’m usually too overcome by the density in each day to have anywhere near enough energy to attempt to summarize its grand happenings. For when I do that it looses it’ magic. That’s the thing about life, we can’t preserve the magic of the moment, so live in it everyday, every second. But I do write stories. Small tapestries of fantasy, falsehood, and truth. Here is one of those tales.

Once upon a time, I woke from a slumber. And in that wake I forgot to bring my friend the great and terrible Countess Fear with me as I left through the gates of dreamland. We will however, still catch up on occasion as old friends are oft to do. Usually these meetings happen on gloomy days when I feel friendless or forgotten. And we catch up, gossip, and then I realize I don’t really enjoy her company at all and politely make-up a reason to leave. I usually come up with an excuse like, “Oh I have to go for a hike” or “My cat’s just died I must mourn in solitude now.”

Any excuse works- the more ridiculously creative the better. For fear can motivate, but curiosity can do the same and with more joy imbedded within its process. So with this mind, I practice filling my head with dragons, colors, seasons, the concept of time, the secrets of alchemy, what to plant in gardens, and of course music!

Magic pervades the mundane like golden light on an afternoon sea. If we can afford to take the time to notice this rather than worry over the sharks that might be under the water, swimming will be quite wonderful (plus sharks don’t like eating humans because stressed-out meat is not good at all). In a less metaphorical way my point is that people should be open to falling out of love, falling in love, off horses, over gates, into rivers, and down mountains! Shake up routine, and smile. The world will smile back.

I’m continuously astounded both by the serendipitous patterns of the world and the balance that seems to hold time in check. By this I mean that the fast route is usually slower than the slow route would have been if one had not just chosen it initially. Common sense things like this that I’ve begun to notice that have made me slow down a bit. Or at least try…

Being a person who hurdles herself at problems, commissions, dinner-parties, philosophical debates, and trees, I have a tendency to over-extend myself. For focusing is one of my greatest challenges. It always has been, and I’m most productive in the late-hours of the night when there are less people to distract me or for me to distract. And I’m a bit tired at night so I can’t go tromping around from project to project with my normal flightiness (to illustrate this point in real time, I’m writing this at 1:30 AM listening to flute music in a forest by London).

My plan is to simply jump around and find charming places with history rooted within the culture and geography. I do a variety of illustrative design projects for work, which allows me to be flexible with where I am based where and when I have free time. I grew up homeschooling, so this flexibly is inherent within my chaotic method of twirling through existence.

As such, I dropped out of my MFA program in Arizona after a few months of attendance. This wasn’t easy, but it was the best decision for me, for I was getting it because I thought I needed it. Not because I wanted it. This is a very important distinction to make before one makes any choice in life. The initial excitement I had around being a graduate student faded as I realized I didn’t need to stay grounded in the way the program required me to be. So without going into too much detail, I dropped out to work on my own art, which has inspired a lovely self-induced quest of grand delusion!

But what is life for if not to live within a fairytale?

For awhile the idea of a bestiary has been on my mind- something that allows me to design, paint, and research world myth alongside with evolutionary biology. Magic and technology are knotted together. In the story I make, I hope to unravel this puzzle and lay it flat like a labyrinth. To illuminate connections between the past, present, and future. Finding the earth’s deeper rhythms brings both peace and excitement. It’s a calling, passion, obsession, love, and career for me.

With pen in hand I’ll tromp through England in search of fairy rings, lurk through Black Forest with werewolves, interview alchemists in Prague, and hunt dragons in catacombs. Or maybe not, I'll likely get distracted by something yet unforeseen. With these loose ideas and nothing holding me back in the age of the internet, I hope to not only justify a bizarre escapade, but to see if I can forge art that inspires others to do the same.

So I’ll be writing, and painting, and perhaps even singing to bring the story I’m calling Lorelånd to life.